What am I going to do now?

                                                               Painted by one of my students

“If you love what you do and you think that it matters,

                           what could be more fun”         Katharine Graham

 This quote hangs in my office, is included in my school emails, and I share it with my students at the beginning of each semester.  I consider myself one of the very lucky few that really love their job.  Or should I say ‘loved’ their job. 

 I’m now officially ‘retired’.  I gave back my office keys, downloaded all my documents off my computer, met with HR and signed off. This last week has been a roller coaster of emotions for me.  It was filled with lots of well-wishes, kind words, lovely gifts, sweet cards, hugs, get-togethers, balloons and a few tears.    I wonder… is the party over?

 With each of the conversations I had regarding my retirement I was asked the question, “So what will you do now?”  I answered with pretty much the same response.  “Spend more time with my children and grand babies, write, take walks, do workshops, ...and my husband thinks I need to raise chickens.” But as I sat in my hard metal fold out chair out on the football field on graduation night, the philosophy teacher sitting next to me said, “ So, Karen, what are you going to do when you retire?”  Nothing came out of my mouth…maybe because I thought I needed to philosophize, but it was like the first time I had been asked the question and it felt like I hadn’t really thought it through.   I finally whispered, “You know, I really don’t know.”

 Frankly I don’t like the word ‘retirement’.  It sounds so old…and tired…not only tired…but re-tired.  Depending on your accent it can sound like you’re saying ‘retard’ or ‘retread’;  None of these are what I want to be. I must tell you, I’m struggling with not only the concept of being a retired senior citizen, but being branded with that ‘retired’ word is troubling. I’m at least pleased to see that I’m not the only one who has a problem with it.  Ernest Hemingway declared “retirement is the ugliest word in the language.”

 Spanish cellist Pablo Casals concluded, “To retire is the beginning of death.”

Ramasami Natarajan (yeah …I don’t know who he is either..but he wrote some essays)   described the day he announced his retirement,… “all my ‘strengths ‘ were stripped off me by some unknown force.  I became a wimp in the eyes of the world.”

 My husband bought me a book titled, ‘How to Retire Happy, Wild and Free’. In the first chapter, there is a little cartoon character fellow that is lounging in his rocking chair reading a book about retirement and the caption says, “The only major problem with retirement is that it gives you more time to read about the problem of retirement.  If you can avoid this trap, you have it made.” Yep…I’ve been reading about retirement…it pitfalls, practical advice, and inspirational stories.

 A good friend of mine suggested I pick up a book by Jane Pauley; ‘Your Life Calling; Re imagining the rest of your life.’   Pauley writes about her first year of retirement being spent lying on her couch.  She said she filled her days by making up a list of all the things she could do now that she was retired.  She said as the lonely days slowly and painfully passed, her list of possibilities grew, until one day her son called her up and told her, “Mom, you have got enough good ideas….Now it’s time to pick one and do something.”

 So perhaps that’s how I’ll begin…spending some time lounging on the couch and making a list of what I might do now that I’m retired.