I Can Do Whatever I Want to Do

“Retirement means doing whatever I want to do;  It means choice” Dianne Hahirny

 I listlessly shuffle around my house in my slippers and wonder, what shall I do today….… now that I’m retired, now that I have more leisure.  I walk into a bedroom and find myself staring at a mountain of boxes, hauled home from my office.

 Initially I planned to sort through all these books, papers and supplies at work, and only carry home the very few things that were left.  But I decided, in the end, to just haul it all home and go through it at my leisure. I will have more of it you know; more leisure; now that I am retired.

 This pyramid of cardboard before me, my husband calculated, represents one box per each year of my employment.  Perhaps I can just throw a king size sheet over this mound to make it disappear for a time; I’m not yet ready to plow through the remnants of 24 years of teaching. I notice a rolled up poster protruding out from the top, urging me to come closer.  I reach for it, slip off the rubber band, and gently unroll it.  I look at it and smile.   This gift is a beautiful, colorful, creative image, designed by a student. It includes one of my very favorite sayings; one I often shared in my classes....I so wanted the words to inspire them, like they do me.”

 I remember that these words of author, Anais Nin are best when read out loud……….…so I do..

 “We.. write to heighten our own awareness of life…We write to taste life, twice, in the moment and in retrospection…We write to be able to transcend our life, to reach beyond it…to teach ourselves to speak with others, to record the journey into the labyrinth. To expand our world, when we feel strangled, constricted, lonely…When I don’t write I feel my world shrinking.  I feel I lose my fire, my color.”

 I roll up this treasured poster and place it carefully back in its box, take a deep breath and sigh. “I’ll sort through this another day.” Instead, I walk into my den, pick up my journal and new pen and go to my most comfortable, cushiony chair; next to the big open window; and begin writing….recording my journey, hoping to expand my world.