Making a choice

"Good health is a duty to yourself, to your contemporaries,  to your inheritors, to the progress of the world. ~Gwendolyn Brooks

 

"Good health is a duty to yourself, to your contemporaries,

 to your inheritors, to the progress of the world. ~Gwendolyn Brooks

In my speech classes my students have to select a goal they want to achieve by the end of the semester.  Then during the semester they give three well researched presentations about that topic including; an informative, a demonstration and a persuasive speech.  My students have chosen a broad spectrum of goals this semester ; ranging from  learning to play the Ukulele, to starting a business. Many of my students have chosen a goal having to do with health.  We just finished up the informative speeches. 

One of my students, Marlene, began her presentation with a PowerPoint slide listing these health issues: Stroke, diabetes, osteoporosis, kidney failure, elevated blood pressure.  She let us look over the list for a minute before uttering her first words: "Do you know what has been attributed to causing these health issues?" .........Her next slide showed a big can of Coca Cola

Marlene confided that she consumes well over a liter of soda a day.  Her goal is to give up drinking coke altogether by the end of the semester.  She told us there are many times where she goes for weeks without having a single sip of water.   Marlene had tried to quit sodas before, and was unsuccessful. "But this time," she spoke emphatically, "This time, I have done the research and I have the facts...and the facts say that soda damages our body."  The class was pin drop quiet.  Marlene continuted,  "It's really scary to think the carbonated liquid that I  swallow down multiple times every day equals not only cups of corn syrup, but also is strong enough to get rid of battery acid leaking on my car's engine!."  She then went on to inform us about more research she had discovered on the harmful effects of drinking sodas.

When Marlene finished her speech many students encouraged her.  Several told of their own journey with giving up sodas...one student, Daniela,  remarked that although she wasn't a big soda drinker herself, her mother was.  She said she was really worried about her mom because she had not really been feeling well lately and some of her symptoms sounded like the ones Marlene had just been talking about..  Daniela thanked Marlene and told her she  had written all the facts down and was going to sit down with her mom as soon as she got home and share all she learned about  drinking sodas. She only hoped her mom would listen.

Another student, Jenna, began her informative speech by telling us that her motivation for the goal she selected was her 17 year old son.   She described him as being over  6 ft. tall and  barely weighing 110 pounds..  She said she is constantly telling him how much she worries about his health and urges him to eat more and try and gain more weight.  She confided, "I'm constantly nagging him because he worries me!"  She said several weeks ago she was once again on her son's case about eating more in order to be healthier.  She said her son turned to her and in a calm, loving voice  said, "Tell you what Mom, I'll try and gain weight for my health, if you'll try and lose weight for yours." Jenna said she was shocked by his response.  She knew she was overweight, but it didn't occur to her that it was something that concerned her son.  " I don't want my child worrying about my health." She explained, "It's not the job for the child to worry about their parent, it's the parent's job to worry about their kids. And I sure don't want my children worrying about some health issue  that I can actually do something about!"  Jenna paused to wipe the tears away.  "So anyway, I realize I have to make a choice and I'm choosing to lose a minimum of 10 pounds before the semester's end. Then I plan to continue losing more after that. I can do it....because I have my son to motivate me."  She went on to inform the class about healthy eating.

 Have you ever considered that taking care of your health is like our quote for the day says, not only a duty to ourselves, but others as well.  Do you have loved ones worried about your health?  If you haven't created your must list for 2014, I suggest you put ' taking steps towards better health'  right there on top.  Make a choice, and do it for a loved one!

Drawing a Line in the Sand

“Somewhere you draw a line in the sand ...
unless you have an unspoken policy to keep moving it.” 

Rosa Durando

Last week I mentioned I was going to need to do more thinking about the 'shoulds' and 'musts' in my life. Here's what I came up with:
 

I see an image in my mind of toy soldiers  standing firm and tall. These represent the 'musts' in our lives.  I think about the 'shoulds' and imagine them to be like 'Pac-man ghosts', annoying little chattering things that peck away at our sense of self worth, causing us guilt and distracting us from our 'musts'. 

I decided I needed to gather up all my 'shoulds' as if they were a hundred little 'pac-man ghosts' and find a nice big box to put them in and stick them in the closet and tell them to stay there until I have time to come back and get them.  Then I need to shut the door, forget about them and go focus on my 'musts'; those soldiers representing what's really important and matters most to me right now.

But here's an example of what happens: Take my student, Maria, that I told you about last week. She came to  realize that taking care of her kids, going to school, and keeping her job are her 'musts' right now. 

Let's say one afternoon Maria's at the grocery store, and down the aisle is that neighbor who has asked her several times to please come and help her sew a quilt. Maria hears that familiar voice from within, urging her on. "You know, you should...you know you should...you know you should."
Ah Ha! Maria looks down on her shoulder and sure enough...there sits a little devious 'should-man' poking and prodding her with his should, like it was a sharp metal toothpick, telling her she should take some time and go over to the neighbors house and  should help her make a quilt. 

Now, here's the deal...I believe there are only three things we can do when a 'should-man' appears: 

#1. We can do the thing that the should tells us to do.  If the 'should-man' tells me I should go visit my neighbor and make a quilt with her, and I decide to just go do it....then poof!..  The little guy will disappear and the should is gone; although, if I do this very often,  I will no doubt find myself doing a poor job of taking care of my 'musts'.

#2. The second thing we could do is take the 'should-man' off of our shoulder, stare it in the eyes and firmly tell him that he needs to get back in that box in the closet.  We march him back, return him to his rightful place and while we're there we give the other 'shoulds' a talking to, and tell them there will be no more funny business and they are not to come out...is that clear!!! And then we draw a line in the sand with one of the pointed little should swords, and warn them not to cross.  And as we walk away, and if we listen carefully, we can hear them chattering, "Oh, she's serious...she means business!  Did you see that line in the sand?  We better not move it or cross it!"

#3. And sadly, our third choice, it's what most of us do with our 'should'.  We just let the little fellow stay on our shoulder, burrow in, and prick away at us.  "You should go help out your neighbor.  You really should, after all, you're supposed to be a Christian and the Bible says to help your neighbor.  Speaking of the Bible, didn't you say you were going to be reading it more often...you should you know.  And you should join the choir while you're at it! You should do more for others, you should think more about others and not just think about yourself......"

 And you look down and see more should-men crawling up your legs and arms, poking you with their 'shoulds', taunting and tempting you to get off track and leave your 'musts' behind.  And sure enough the word has gotten out that you are letting the 'shoulds' come..... a whole slew of them crawling out of the box, creeping under the door and stepping over the line in the sand.  You feel like a worthless slug, as they cover you with guilt and cause mayhem with the 'musts', knocking over your soldiers.  And there you are, you poor, overwhelmed, pathetic excuse for a mother...not taking care of your 'musts' and being beaten down by a bunch of ankle biting testy little 'should-men'!  

Get the picture? So what do we learn from this story?

Know what our 'musts' are, and keep them in front of us in full focus. 

Identify the 'shoulds' as soon as they appear.

.......and remember the three choices we have when the 'should' arrives:

1. We can do the thing that the should says.  (and do it now.)

2. We can quickly recognize the critter for what it is, draw the line in the sand and put it out of our mind (remember you can always go get it later).

3.  We can choose to allow the should to stay (which eventually brings others 'shoulds' with it, covering us with guilt and getting us off track from our 'musts').

So there it is...  the choice is ours.

I say we all take on the challenge, as we are going through our day, let's pay attention to how many times a 'should-man' appears, trying to deter us from our 'must'  It's not a question if he'll get loose...it's a question of what we do with him when he arrives! 

I say it's time to draw a line in the sand!                                                              __________________

You can email me at: smallsteps4bigresults@yahoo.com

Doing Battle

                                

Must vs. Should

"All of the significant battles are waged within the self" Sheldon Kopp

As part of my goal planning for 2014, I said I was going to make a list of my 'musts' and also create a column for the overflow, which are my 'shoulds'.  You know, the more I think about these two words, (must and should) the more I realize they are at odds with each other.

Here's an example: Last week, I was talking to one of my students, and she was feeling totally overwhelmed.  Maria is a single mom, she works full time and goes to school.  She said her house was a mess and she knew she should work harder to keep it clean.  Her parents were complaining that she didn't have any time to come to Phoenix and visit them. She knew she should be a better daughter and go see them more often.  She said she felt guilty that she wasn't cooking better meals for her kids, wasn't spending enough time with them on their homework, and she was totally neglecting her friends.  She just felt she was always coming up short and should do more. 

"Whoa!" I said, "It sounds like your 'shoulds' are doing battle with the 'musts' in your life?" 

She didn't know what I was talking about so I explained to her that our 'musts' are those things in our lives that are most important to us right now. I asked her if she was clear on her 'musts'. She said, "I guess my 'musts' are taking care of my children, having and keeping my job, and going to school to prepare for a better future for me and my kids."

I asked if she thought that her 'musts' were a lot to do.  She said, “It is a lot!”  I agreed with her and suggested to Maria that she might do a better job with your 'musts' in her life, if she stopped fretting and feeling guilty about all the 'shoulds'?". 

Since my conversation with Maria, I been thinking more about her and so many others of us finding our lives overflowing with guilt about all the 'shoulds' that we think we need to be taking care of.  I am reminded that if we're going to be successful in achieving our goals and taking care of the 'musts', then we might just have to step in the ring, put on the gloves and go a few rounds with the 'shoulds'.

I can see that this idea of 'shoulds' and 'musts' is going to require more thought and consideration on my part. 

 

In the meantime, here's a YouTube about finding your priorities (shoulds) and getting things done: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehSn-C6iLxw  

Email me at: Smallsteps4bigresults@yahoo.com

 

I must!

“I have been impressed with the urgency of doing.
Knowing is not enough; we must apply.
Being willing is not enough; we must do.”
Leonardo da Vinci   

I went into a Verizon store this week to buy a new phone...  It was a big event for me as I was switching from a flip phone to an IPhone and I had a ton of questions.  I was also switching services. A young man named David waited on me. As we talked about the cost of the service, I asked David if a teacher discount was available, and that got us started talking about the college where I work.  He said he used to go there.  I asked him what he got his degree in...he said he didn't finish.  "Oh...that's too bad," I responded. 
"Yeah, he said, "and I live right by the college so it's close, and Verizon will pay for me to go to school." 
"Really!" I said.

I asked him about his major.  He said, "It was Criminal Justice.  I don't think I have much further to go to get my AA degree."  He sighed,  "I know I should probably go back to school."

I suggested to David that he just call the college and make an appointment to  talk to an advisor and see how many classes he had left.  "The college has on line classes, summer school classes, short classes, you name it.... we offer it...!  You should easily be able to find classes that the fit with your work schedule and hey.... and you'll be able to go for free!" I continued,   "You know David, I don't know you at all, but I do know this....you have a wonderful opportunity for a free education and if you don't take it...you will always look back and regret it."
"Yeah," he sighed once again, "I know I should."
I was beginning to sound way too much like a mother, "David, this doesn't look to me like a should?  It looks to me more like a must." I kept at it...."What are the downsides to your going back to college? "
He said there were none.  And we were both quiet for a while
"You're right," he murmured, busy on the register...."I must go back to school."  He repeated it...."I must".  As if feeling a jolt he responded.  "Hey, that feels different when I say it like that."
I said..."So then?"....
He smiled..."You're right...I must go back to college!"
I grabbed my fancy Verizon bag, with my brand new iPhone in it, and shook David's hand. I told him I appreciated his help and expertise with buying the phone.   I said goodbye, smiled and told him I wasn't a stalker...but I'd be looking for him out at the college.

Sometimes the 'must's in our lives are right under our noses...and it just takes somebody else to point them out to us, and maybe light a fire while they're at it.  Do we know what your musts are in your life? Are your daily habits, decisions and your goals all aligned with your musts?

I have decided to make that part of my 2014 goal planning...do you want to join me? We can start by creating two columns:  One column for the 'musts' in our life and one column for the 'shoulds' that might pop up as we make that list.

Email me: smallsteps4bigresults@yahoo.com

Should I?



"We are a result of our thoughts and our actions" Unknown

How would you finish this sentence?  "I should........."

This week my students walked into class to find those two words written on the board and here are some of their responses: "I should get a job, I should go on a diet, I should be nicer to my sister, I should get more sleep, I should go to the writing center for help,  I should stop texting and driving, I should give up drinking sodas, I should read more, I should stop procrastinating, I should save some money, I should stop eating so much fast food, I should quit smoking, I should stop watching so much TV..."

Next, I crossed out the word 'should' and had them replace it with the word 'must'. We went back around and they re said their statements:  "I must get a job, I must go on a diet, I must stop texting and driving, I must save some money, I must stop eating so much fast food, I must quit smoking, I must stop watching so much TV"...

The class discussed their feelings about using both of the terms.
One student admitted, "I didn't want to say 'must' because I don't really want to stop watching TV....I like to watch TV." 
"So why did you say you should stop watching it to begin with?"  a student asked.
"Because I think I probably should, but if I say I must, that means I'm going to, and I don't want to."
Giggling heard around the room.

Another student spoke,  "Saying 'should' gives me more latitude; more wiggle room, than when I say 'I must'.  It's kind of like saying 'I should' allows me to sometimes text and drive."

"When we say 'must' it seems more like we're taking action, because when I say I must save money...then I must!"

"Here's how I think of it," another student joined in,"When I say 'should' I'm agreeing that I should do it, like when I said I should quit smoking...but I'm not actually committing to quitting..but it shows I have a good intention, doesn't it?... I  makes me feel better saying it anyway."

I asked them if they agreed with my following observation: I told them that I thought some students were looking at doing well in college as a 'should'.  Others saw doing well in college as a must.  I asked them which student was more likely to be successful.  One student responded in a murmur, "Well, duh!" 

"Do you remember our lesson from earlier this semester, "I asked....."The words we say create our reality? Well, I suggest that we all decide what the 'musts' in our lives are....and align are words with that."

I paused, "So, what do you think?" 

Quiet filled the air for a while.  "I can't tell if you guys are totally bored to tears, and being polite enough not to snore, or if you are deep in thought about this idea of 'should' and 'must'.  Or, maybe you just think you've got some kind of crazy old lady for a speech teacher!"

The students laughed and one responded. "I'm not speaking for the rest of the students...but  I'm in deep thought...another said she was too.  Another seemed to be struggling to articulate his thoughts. "Honestly, I just never thought about those two words meaning something different...and how using them might actually bring me a different result....I should think about this some more." Laughter..."I mean... I must think about this some more!"
.....................

Would you agree that too many of us, when setting our goals, do it with the 'should' in mind, instead of the 'must'?

More thoughts and lessons on this next time....

email me at: smallsteps4bigresults@yahoo.com